Tree-mendous

I have an alien tree in my front garden.

At first glance, it loooks like any ordinary tree. You know, the typical tree you'd find in any garden, park or woodland, anywhere across the country. With leaves, branches, bark, the whole tree shebang.

Except this tree hides a sinister secret. IT DOES NOT EXIST. I don't mean in a foliage existential way, it really does not exist. Anywhere. In any book. About trees.

It's tried to hide its 'alieness' by disguising itself as a goold old-fashioned Great British Tree. Blending into the tree-laden background. Borrowed its leaf shape from a rowan, bark from a willow, branch size from a birch. That sort of thing.

*Doesn't Bark From A Willow sound a great name for a heavy metal band?*

But the simple fact is, it doesn't exist in the world of known trees. So, either one of three things is possible.

1) It is a new species of tree, a hybrid of several existing species, possible created by some long-forgotten Dr Frankenstein of the tree world which has self-seeded itself from his top secret hideaway deep in the mountains. Or in the hatch where Lost is set.

2) It is an alien disguised as a tree, making notes on human behaviour. If so, his notes will probably read like this: human male. bit strange. likes sitting position. swears at box in corner of room a lot. no one visits. smells a bit too. even from outside in the garden. could be spy from the planet Frrooghlemeyyer.

or

3) I'm no use at using tree reference books and it's as common as muck.

Whatever the truth, I just wanted to know before I chopped the bugger down. In which case I won't ever be back if it turns out to be reason number 2.

"I'm a lumberjack and I'm... what the?... aaargghhh... get it off!..."