St8rk Reality.

Summer's Here (almost)

2007-05-02T20:45:00.000+01:00

No it is. It must be.

Because yesterday I walked to the train station sans jacket.

I looked the very epitome of a cool, relaxed, man-about-town, casually strolling along, whistling my way to work. I could have been out of a Frank Capra film.

Only, secretly, I was freezing my bollocks off.

It may have looked sunny but I was never so glad to get in a nice , warm train carriage and guzzling piping hot coffee.

I should have known beter than to trust the sun.

The duffle coat comes out tomorrow

Few happy returns

2007-04-26T21:42:00.000+01:00

I awoke to an empty house this morning.
I had to drive to work, which meant I arrived in a bad mood.
Work was pretty stressfull.
I sweated in the gym - it's almost bikini season! (and people in bikinis
will laugh at me if I don't drop a few pounds. Must be careful not to pick
them up again)
I spent three frustrating hours stripping wallpaper. Last night it was five
hours.
The house is still empty.
I have just poured myself a glass of wine.

It is my birthday.

I'm being positive. It means I can eat, drink and scratch what i like. (I am currently doing all three)
Whooppeee!!

holy technobabble

2007-04-16T19:58:00.000+01:00

This bloody new version of blogger keeps driving me nuts!

Every time I muster up a few remnants of the day's energy to blog, the bloody thing keeps asking me about passwords I've long forgotten - along with a host of other things I use to think were important, like the colour of Mrs S's eyes, the first Number One by Howard Jones and the capital of Mozambique.
(Only one of those answers is green but I'm not sure which).

Anyhoo, there I was, persuing around a pretty church is County Tipperary (which, disappointingly, isn't a long way at all) when I spy two elderly nuns struggle to carry a large bucket of holy water.
They both looked like they were about to collapse with exhaustion (but I suppose they had a helping hand from the bloke above) when I decided to do the Christian thing - quite a leap for me, given I'm borderline Satanist with a tendency to wear black and detsroy clergymen's homes at will* - and offer a lending hand.

It was doubly good of me, given that moments before, they'd accused Stark Jnr of being both male and Polish! Not that there's anything intrinsically wrong with either, just that she looks less male and Polish than most.

So, the big strong (and ocassionally atractive) man that I am, duly carried their bucket of the holy stuff to their car.
The first nun got in and sat in the passenger side. She then asked me to pass her the bucket, which was full to the brim and placed it at her feet.

The other nun got in the driver's side. They thanked me and drove off.

And I couldn't help but wonder - what would happen if they braked. Or turned a corner. Or just generally stopped? I had visions of a nun emerging from the car, totally soaked from the waist down, carrying an empty bucket.

*When I visited the minister who would marry the future Mrs S and I, I was upfrfont and told him I didn't believe in God (much to some violent nudging from the future Mrs S). At that exact moment, his living room wall collapsed. No, really. The look on his face said it all - get out heathen!

Actually, he did marry us and turned out to be an OK bloke.

Mysterious ways, eh?

What the...?

2007-04-04T20:42:00.000+01:00

Hey, what happened?

Who stole March? Last thing I remember it was late February, Stark Jnr was teething/not taking a bottle/being grumpy/being incontinent, work was mental and I had a few "side projects" on the go.

In all this confusion, I clean forgot about you lot.

"Side projects" sounds distinctly dodgy, doesn't it? If only it were that exciting.

All that coupled with a "lock-out" of my Blogger account (they said I had to take gardening leave until I was funny again) meant Stark was AWOL. Personally, I blame the "side projects" and consequential delusions of grandeur.

Sorry for the vagueness, it just happens to be a convenient excuse for couldn't-be-arsed-ness.

Mrs and Jnr S and I are off to the land of black drink, soda bread and something called a crack for easter.

If I see a decent crack I'll bring back photos!!

trials and tribulations

2007-02-27T20:28:00.000Z

Today...

I have been screamed at, scratched, ignored, hung up on (as it the telephone, not in a strange infatuation way), swore at and urinated on.

And that was when I got home.

I had decided today that, almost two whoole months into 2007, I was due some time off work, to spend at home.

I think I may have changed my mind.

Nursery Ryh..Rty...Rythm...Songs

2007-02-14T19:46:00.000Z

Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub...

What the hell is that about?

I think Stark Jnr is a little too young to hear about three-in-a-bath homosexual swingers parties!

Sunday Morning Call

2007-02-12T19:52:00.000Z

I know all men probably say it at one time or another but... it had never happened to me before. Honestly.

There I was standing outside the supermarket, waiting for it to open. IT WAS SUNDAY BLOODY MORNING!!!

I was up so early on Sunday - a contradiction in my house - that I had to stand outside the local supermarket waiting for it to open. What was wrong with me?

There I was, tracksuit bottoms on, jangling my car keys awkwardly, refusing to make eye contact with the couple who were also waiting. They looked like they'd been up drinking all night and were desperate for the shop to open so they could buy some lighter fluid to keep ther party burning.

They probably thought the same about me.

Pre-9am shopping?

Aah, the lure of a good bacon sandwich does strange things to a man.

weather man

2007-02-08T22:13:00.000Z

Why does the weather report insist on referring to 'adverse' weather?

What's so bloody adverse about it? Surely there's no such thing as 'good' or 'bad' weather? Just weather.
What's so good about sun? Skin cancer, heat exhaustion and men in socks and sandals!
And what's so bad about snow or rain? I happen to love the snow.

So stop bloody moaning!

Empty Sack

2007-02-01T19:39:00.000Z

I knew something was wrong when I saw her walking towards me, holding my folder in her hands.

"There you go," she smiled. I'd just managed to thank her before my heart sunk. I stared at my rucksack. It was wide open. And empty.

In my haste to catch my morning train I had done the unthinkable. I had ran the last 200 yards to the station. And, unbeknownst to me, had deposited the contents of my bag onto the road every few steps.

There was my umbrella, lying on the station steps; that CD my friend returned to me last night, strewn on the station concourse; my notebook with my life's work fluttering in the gutter. And my cheese and coleslaw sandwich, lovingly prepared before I left home this morning, abandoned in the middle of the road.

I stared at the multiseed concoction lyin forlornly halfway across the pedestrian crossing.

By some miracle, the wheels of passing cars had missed it. Like in a Tom and Jerry cartoon it had survived by being directly in the centre of the road, thus avoiding certain death.

I considered my options.

Do I abandon my organic friend to its fate or, like the muppet I am, press the button, wait for the green man and boldly walk into the centre of the road, pick up the sandwich and place it in my bag, thus attracting the bewildered gaze of passers-by.

Well, it's just not me to leave a friend in distress.

I made my way back to the station, whistling "Two Little Boys"

Did you think I would leave you lying... when there's room in my bag for two....

Map Man

2007-01-29T19:29:00.000Z

I like looking at maps.

I find it strangely comforting to examine the name places of countries and continents I'll probably never visit. From the Siberian wasteland to the Mexican coast, I could look at them for hours.

In fact, I'm almost sexually attracted to Ordnance Survey maps. They are the epitome of class.

Last night I discovered the best placename yet. A small town on the Donegal coast in Northern Ireland called... Muff.

Are the people who live there Muffers?
As it's on the coast, there is a chance it has a diving school - The Muff Diving School!
I would gladly pay good money for a 'Certified Muff Diver' T-shirt.

But that's because under this facade of adult respectability lies an nine-year-old schoolboy chuckling "muff" under his breath.

Oh dear.

Beer Googles

2007-01-24T21:19:00.000Z

I googled myself today.

I know, how very passe, but it was a slow day at work and I wanted to see what the various versions of me in a parallel world were doing.

So, I put in my real name.

Turns out I am not who I thought I was. Depeneding on which site you visit,
I am a...

1. Highly successful Christian musician from the USA
2. A religious author who reently joined a native American tribe
3. A public health executive from New Zealand
4. An Australian food writer
5. An Australian folk singer
6. A computer repairman from Alabama
7. A convicted fraudster from Kent
8. Young, single and "up for anything, except animals", from Newcastle
9. A disgruntled commuter who only blogs when he's nothing better to do.

Hmmm...

All White on the Night

2007-01-23T16:57:00.000Z

When I awoke this morning, the snow was deep. And crisp. And even.

I scraped the snow off the car, carefully cleared a stretch of driveway (yes, I admit it, I have a driveway, but it doesn't make me posh) and edged my way slowly up the road toward the motorway.

To avoid a repeat of last year's 'Stuck in the snow 20 yards from my house' fiasco, I threw the snow shovel in the back of the car. Super Safety Stark, always thinking ahead. I should have been a Mountie. If I lived in Canada and wasn't allergic to horses.

By the time I arrived at work in Big City, the sun was shining, there wasn't a drop of snow to be seen.

A colleague looked at the back seat of my car and spotted the snow shovel.

"Not an optimist, are you?"

Late Christmas Wrapping

2007-01-05T22:32:00.000Z

I receive a mystery package.

It is a large box, wrapped in brown paper. It has my name on it.
I am immediately disappointed when i lift the box. It is too light to contain any of the following:
A case of whisky
A new Apple Mac laptop
One of those Playboy bunnies that leap from giant cakes to sing Happy Birthday in a sultry marilyn Monroe fashion.
(To be honest the last one was a bit of a long shot, really. It isn't even my birthday)

I open the box.

There is another box inside, similarly wrapped in brown paper. If this is one of those Russian doll-type gags, I won't be amused, i say to myself.

There is yet another box inside the smaller box!!! Clearly someone is having a laugh at my expense, or I've received a gift from an anonymous stalker who has a brown wrapping paper fetish and this IS the present!

Needless to say the real present lay inside the third box, thus dispelling the last theory.

It wasn't even for me. It was for Stark Jnr. It wasn't remotely alcoholic.

I stuff the (rather attractive) brown wrapping paper into the bin and open a beer.

Tsk.

Tempted (by the car of another)

2007-01-04T21:12:00.000Z

It was like a scene from The Omega Man (or 28 Days Later depending on your age).

The Big City streets were deathly quiet. Only the ocassional discarded newspaper fluttering down the empty streets interupted the silence.

I was completely alone.

It was dawn and the city was still asleep. The last time I walked the streets at this ungodly hour, I was coming home from a party and desperately searching for a 24-hour kebab house.

This morning, I was unreasonably sober and on my way to work.

Suddenly, the silence was shattered.

A brand spanking new Mini Cooper screeched to a halt 10ft in front of me.
The driver got out, slammed the door behind him and ran off clutching a bundle of newspapers. He hadn't seen me. He didn't lock the car's doors. I could see he was running in the direction of a nearby evil burger chain
outlet.

It would take him at least two minutes to make his drop-off and return to the unlocked car. Then it hit me. TEMPTATION. Or should that be TEMP-TA-TION (higher and higher!)

I could easily slip into the driver's side and steal the car. It was obvious the driver had left the keys in the ignition. He must have assumed no-one in their right mind would be out of their beds at this time. The car would be
safe.

A hundred thoughts ran through my mind. I wouldn't have to steal the car outright, just jump in and drive a couple of hudred yards, get out, and be on my way. It would certainly teach him a lesson.

I have to admit to you, I came dangerously close. It was almost too good an opportunity to miss. Car thieves and ne'er do wells across the country would give their benfit cheques for an opportunity such as this.

But me? I'm a good boy. But with bad thoughts.

Instead, the only dangerous thing I did was buy a bacon roll and a cup of tea, thus breaking my "the bad food ends here" rule on Day One.

New Year New Me

2007-01-02T20:56:00.000Z

Nah, not really, just more of the same, except with a few more wrinkles and grey hairs (all of which add to my unerring attractiveness. No, really, it does).
My main resolutions are

1) Drink more. I'm a nicer person with a bottle of rich, fruity red wine in me. See, that's me thinking of others, that is.
2) Eat more. Just of the better variety of foods this time.
3) Teach Stark Jnr to swear effectively. C'mon, you know there's nothing more cute than a small child saying "bugger!"
4) Finish writing proper lists...

Sleepless in Scotland

2006-12-21T18:40:00.000Z

The effects of severe sleep deprivation, No. 32:

Pointing my car's electronic key fob at the garden wheelie bin and wondering why it won't open.
Mind you, it could be worse, I could have dumped the leftovers from last night's dinner in the back of the car.

Inside

2006-12-18T22:28:00.000Z

Sorry for the lack of red hot blogging action, I've been indisposed.

Why are all hospitals painted in the same hue of beige? I can think of nothing less appealing - apart from Christine Hamilton chatting me up at a swingers party (of which I've never been to, obviously) - than this so-called colour.

It is the colour of boredom.

19 hours, one room, three nurses and one poster illustrating the correct way to lift someone (which I can now, though won't, quote verbatim. I'll save that party piece for Christmas).

I'm now back to normality - although I suspect it's a normality which will never be the same again.

Oh, I meant to say... what kind of cheese does not belong to you?

Nacho cheese.

(really sorry)

The kindness of strangers

2006-12-11T21:54:00.000Z

My faith in humanity has been (temporarily) restored.

Perhaps it's a Christmas 'good will to all men' thing but yesterday two small gestures really made my day.
Firstly, I was returning to my car in the dungeon car park where it lives during daylight hours. As I never, EVER, have enough change to feed the meter for an entire day, I usually have to make at least one return journey during the day to top-up the meter.
As I approached the money-hungry machine, I could see a small ticket, carefully stuck to the facade of the machine. The ticket still had three hours to run before it expired.
Rather than simply scrunch the ticket into a ball and toss it into the passenger footwell, someone, a very thoughtful and generous someone, left the ticket behind for someone to make use of.

I go three hours for nothing!

What an unselfish act, I thought, as I walked the short distance to the underground station. I had only a short distance to travel to run a lunchtime errand and so decided to travel by tube, rather than risk losing my parking space for the rest of the afternoon.

Then it happened, again.

As I was entering the station, I pulled out my wallet and began scrambling for enough money to buy a ticket. Just as I pulled out a note, I was approached by an elderly gentleman.

"Excuse me," he said, in an elderly gentlemanly kind of way, "but are you going to use the tube?"

"Er.... yes," I said, bracing myself to repel a ninja-style attack by the old geezer.

"You may as well have this, then. It's an All Day pass and I won't be using it again today. Go on, it'll save you two quid."

I took it from him and continued with my journey. I was gobsmacked. I use up most of my oxygen quota complaining about how selfish and cynical society has become and then this happens - TWO thoughtful acts within the space of five minutes.

People. How great are they?

Groundhog Day (revisited)

2006-12-06T19:23:00.000Z

I am living in Groundhog Day (again)

Every day is the same -
Wake up
Brush teeth
Dress
Eat cheap German cereal (Aldi-addict!)
Pack bag
Get in car
Sit in traffic
Seethe
Park
Enter office
Leave office for coffee
Seethe
Work
Go for long walk at lunchtime
Make unneccesary purchase
Work
Seethe
Try not to fall asleep
Get back in car
Sit in traffic
Seethe (there's a theme here, have you go it yet?)
Arrive home
Go for walk with Mrs S
Check e-mails
Eat dinner
Do a couple of token household chores (badly)
Do exercises in spare room, serial killer-style (you know, with a broody
look on my face and tattooes glistening in the sodium hue of the street
lights)
Go for bath
Watch CSI (sometimes two)
Go to bed
Awake
Brush teeth
Etc
Etc
Etc

Every day is the same.

Oh, apart from today, when I paraded about the big city dressed as Santa
Claus, being chased by gangs of local youths who screamed: "Where's Rudolph
now, ya fat bastard!"

Ho Ho Bloody Ho

Car Wars

2006-11-29T17:19:00.000Z

It all happened in slow motion.

I could see it in the rear view mirror, inching closer to the side of the car. Confident it would remain a safe distance from the shiny blue paintwork, I continued to edge slowly forward. Then...

SSSCCCCCRRRRREEEEAAAAGGGGGHHHHKKKKK!!!!!!!

The large concrete pillar brushed the side of the car with all the delicate touch of a drunken Mike Tyson. I had reached the point where you think: 'Will I do less damage if I keep going, or will I reverse in the hope of minimising the situation?'

I reversed back out of the parking space. I got out the car and surveyed the damage. A foot-deep, white scrape now adorned the rear passenger door. Four thoughts ran through my head.

1. I've jusy spent £150 on new (but probably unneccessary - thank you Kwik Fit) tyres and can't afford to throw more money away.

2. Will this affect my no-claims bonus?

3. There goes my new iPod I planned to buy this month.

4. If I can do this in a COMPLETELY EMPTY car park, think of the damage I could do in a full one.

My only excuse was it was 7.15 am, a Monday morning and I hadn't eaten any breakfast.

My week was ruined before it started.

Deals on Wheels

2006-11-25T14:42:00.000Z

I'm not sure what happened.

I could have sworn I only went in there to replace a flat tyre. Instead, my wallet is £150 lighter. Excuse the toilet-mouthed language, but I FUCKING HATE KWIK FIT!!!

The knuckle-dragging degenerate hummed. He hawed. He scratchedd his greasy head. He growled: "You're gonna have to replace four of yer tyres mates."

Firstly, I'm not "yer mate." In fact, should we ever be stranded on a desert island together, a la Lost, you would be Sawyer to my Jack. (actually, I'd be more like that wee Hobbit fella but I digress). Not under any circumstances could we ever be regardedd as 'friends'.

Secondly, I wouldn't trust your opinion about whether the sky is blue, never mind about the state of my tyres.

Thirdly, what the hell do I know. "OK, fair enough, go ahead," I said meekly.

I may as well have walked in there, pulled my jeans down, turned around and screamed: "Go for it big boy, do your worst!" Because, metaphorically at least, that's what they've done.

I've been well and truly shafted.

workin' 9 to 5 (what a way to make a living)

2006-11-23T21:13:00.000Z

Work has been mental!

All week, it's been "do this NOW!"
"But I've still to finish..."
"THAT doesn't matter, THIS is more important."

A few minutes later...

"Can you quickly do this for me? I need it within the next five minutes!"
"But you just said I had to work on..."
"Never mind what I just said, THIS is more important than THAT! And when
you've finished, I've got something else for you."
"I'll do my best but I have a meeting in half an hour..."
"Don't bother with the meeting, THIS is more important."
"Yes, but it's the meeting you set up and said was extremely important for
me to attend. You said that."
"Never mind what I said just do as I tell you."

And that's just before I leave the house.

Which is why posts have been as thin on the ground as Jade Goody's O' Levels.

fishy tales

2006-11-16T21:33:00.000Z

I'm back to spending an hour every morning behind my jalopy, cursing and gesticulating wildly at BMW drivers, so forgive my foul mood.

Today, I went to the fishmongers. I was on a mission from cod (ooh, that was below the belt, sorry!)

I like the fishmongers and I prepare well for my visit, packing a cooler bag with ice packs. Well, my 'catch' has to lurk about my car boot for five hours before it finds my fridge.

I am quite conservative when it comes to buying fish. Although I love all seafood and will try almost anything, I'm a creature of habit when it come to buying our seafaring friends. Haddock, salmon, mackerel and sea bass are as adventurous as I got today.

I'm also a 'pointer' rather than a 'handler' unlike the Chinese couple who were handling every fish, closely smelling them and generally picking them up with the confidence of Captain Bird's Eye. At one point I thought they might start juggling with the squid - it wouldn't have looked out of plaice (oh, there I go again!)

A visit to the fishmongers does, however, make me feel like a proper 'foodie' - no Tesco pretend fish counter for me. I am truly a connoisseur of fine comestibles.

Anyway, less writey, more cookey, I'm making dinner tonight. It's chicken.

Regards

Rick Stein

Garden DIY

2006-11-12T17:52:00.000Z

I have been doing some work in the garden.

The neighbours think my new statue is a tad OTT. I think it suits the area.

The Evil That Men Do

2006-11-11T16:07:00.000Z

I did it.

I found a long-forgotten crumb of courage lurking deep inside me and did it. I told my neighbour I didn't want a lift. "Thanks, but it's a lovely morning and I'm enjoying the fresh air. I appreciate the offer, though," I said and continued on my merry way.

A weight had lifted from my broad, athletic shoulders (what??!) and I found a new spring in my step. This lasted for about thirty seconds before I began to feel like a spoiled, ungrateful, shit.

I imagined my friendly neighbour continuing her drive to work in floods of tears, feelings of rejection overwhelming her. Spurned by someone she regarded as a friend, she would never stop and offer again.

You think I'm being silly?

Yesterday morning, just as I was leaving the park and heading into the metropolis, I once again spotted my friendly neighbour approaching in her car. I noticed the rear brake lights light up as the car slowed down. "Here we go again" I thought, steeling myself for another rebuff (well it was another nice morning and I really needed the exercise - beer and takeaway food were planned).

But the car didn't stop. The brake lights fizzled away and the car disappeared into the horizon. SHE HAD SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT STOPPING! I have ruined everything.

I am truly a BAD MAN.